Episode 14 Format

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome back to the Cornley Drama Festival. Once again, apologies for the sign. And for the fact that this continues to be 'Episode 14'. Apparently were always contracted for exactly that many Episodes, never mind that the BBC stole one of them and handed it to Attenborough on a submerged silver plattter... but we all know that the BBC has proven itself unable to adapt to any mistakes whatsoever for a very long time now.

We have had a fantastic response to the Festival so far, with seven people writing in to tell us they enjoyed the show, and thousands of other people also writing in. But that is not my problem tonight.


Because first up we have Flaw Runner with an Acting Masterclass... Right.










Oh dear. Who would have guessed that would go Wrong!?

... It seems the three of you will have provide us with the Masterclass. Or the Disasterclass. I don't really mind which

At TIMES I'm going to open up a new board where you will all be able to perform Live On Stage, and tell the Critics whatever you want.

It will be a space where you can open your case for Best Actor, and/or close it, and/or make any other posts or comments you wish, at any point throughout the Final Tribal Council - without the Critics being able to post and interrupt.

You can argue directly with one another, or stray wildly off-topic, or perhaps use the opportunity to school them all and explain why your own Acting has been superior throughout the duration of The Goes Wrong ORG. That latter is the option I would highly recommend but how you approach and use this space is of course entirely up to each of you.



Next up, we have a new play by Chimera Man .

(Which one's Chimera Man? Does he even go here? Ohhhhhh! Oh.)

I nearly didn't recognise you there, man, without the Chimera taking up most of your frame.










Well I suppose we couldn't just let you subject us all to an Acting MDisasterclass, without anyone else interrupting or participating.

Not without also also and simultaneously opening up a workshop for Improv Exercises, in which the Critics will have the chance to throw you all kinds of unexpected questions, critiques, and inane Acting exercises. And then seen you respond, under pressure, without the ability to fully prepare or control the discussions.

Once again, you can answer them howsoever you please. You can try to steal the spotlight, or you can allow the Critics to think that they are participating in the production as though there were still actual Actors. You can lower yourself fully engage in their improvisational exercises, or you can hold them in contempt, or ignore them altogether. But whatever you do, the Critics shall be watching, and judging - and not silently, either!



Next up, we have Composter with something a little less traditional.









Thank you, thank you, Composter. Clearly a slight misinterpretation of what a kitchen sink drama is there.

But it is a fine way to break the news of the BBC's final demand upon our poor, fledgling ORG. For apparently our track record does not quite "engender trust" that the Best Actor we crown here will be "even slightly adequate" or "free from the pervasive incompetence and appalling biases which have run rampant under your watch."

They want the Final Vote to be as free and fair as possible; we want this Final Act packed to the brim with malicious compliance.

And so we've had to search out alternative ways to convince the Evil Overlords that our final Vote will indeed be the very best that it can be... with:





(But really it was just that the Composter has a second-cousin-in-law from Australia who found this outraged woman amusing:


And thankfully, Composter was confused enough by this video last year that he remembered it now, and thought it might similarly confuse the BBC into thinking we never had any inherently problematic Game structure wildly spinning beyond our control right from the start doubt about the credentials of our eventual winner.)



This means that at the end of the Final Tribal Council, our nine Critics will each need to Rank the three Nominated Actors from first preference to third.

And this Game's winner will be whoever can achieve more than 50% of the Votes - whether that happens immediately, using only the Critics' first preferences, or whether it requires us to redistribute Votes based on their second preference, should no one Nominee reach 5 first preference Votes outright.

Practically, it makes little difference to their decision-making process. But it will make it possible for each of them to Vote with their critical hearts, without concern that supporting any Finalist with a first preference Vote would be a 'waste'; even if all the other Critics split their first preference Votes between the other two Nominated Actors, at worst any Critic voting for the third would still get their Vote counted according to their lower preference order.


If you have any questions or concerns about how Ranked Choice Voting works, please send them directly to the BBC. As we want them to remain eminently confused about what really goes on here - it's for the best. But if you CC us on your correspondence, our Crew will still respond to you privately.




And Now we come at last to my piece... Ahem.







For too long now, the drama society has refused to let me showcase high art, and real Acting as it exists beyond the confines of our grotesque moderate Crew and farcical unserious ORG. But once our Final Tribal Council is done, and our contractual obligations to this Play of the Week nonsense finally fulfilled, I'm going to use the opportunity to present some real culture for once... and to elevate you, the 'Actors', and the Critics, Sub-Actors and even the Audience.

So at 8:00pm AEST Wednesday (Australian/Board time) = 11:00am CET Wednesday (European time) = 6:00am Wednesday EDT (American Time), I'll ask you all to lock in your Votes.

And then around half an hour later, to put down your fish and chips, set aside your cans of lager beer and put on that shirt you wear to court. And join me for an evening at the Ballet and the magical tale of the caterpillar, La Nuit des Révélations, who sheds his cocoon, and before flying away to see his old associates never again pauses to read them all for filth, complaining about their Votes and their IDs. Which will inadvertently need to be revealed in order for this Play to make any sense, possily.

So we'll call that our Finale, and even more than I can't wait to see you there, I can't wait to leave you all behind. Forever. Metaphorically.... maybe?






The Actors had better be prepared after all the time they're making us wait, and the stage is set for absolutely nothing to go Wrong...

Please enjoy our Grand Finale: The Cornley Drama Festival, Part One!