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Post by Head Righter on Apr 9, 2024 3:34:41 GMT 10
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Post by Chris as Ebenezer Scrooge on Apr 9, 2024 10:02:48 GMT 10
Ebenezer Scrooge
Newman's Court
Off Cornhill
London
The Director
BBC
101 Wood Lane
London
cc: noreply@bbc.co
8th April 2024
Dear Sir
I refer to my previous letters of complaint dated 3/3/2024, 10/3/2024, and subsequent telephone communications with your colleagues in a call centre in Mumbai, and regret to advise that the ineptitude of the production known as The Goes Wrong Show ORG has failed to see any improvement. In fact, when the management team received word of my concerns, they saw fit to sack me from my own production, rather than address the multitude of allegations levelled against them.
Since my last correspondence, the actors were all fired and replaced with inferior counterparts, who were also subsequently fired when it was discovered they were yet the same actors in disguise – as nobody of any level of credibility would touch this production, knowing full well the promised twenty five pound appearance fees would not be forthcoming. The actors were then forced into prison cells to prevent them quitting again, resorting to mixing bootleg brews in their toilet bowls with which to bribe guards and hope to escape. And finally they suffered the indignity of reliving the outrageous events of the past six weeks.
Now, before you dismiss my concerns as those of a disgruntled former employee, I implore you to review annexures A through C, appended herewith. These are written by actors still currently employed in the production – and you will note all they’re left with are two narrators and a non-speaking part. What the narrators have hope of narrating with no actor lines is between them and God. But before the inevitable descent into Storytime Goes Wrong, I have asked them each to provide an addendum outlining their greatest concern from this production to complain about.
I hope this adds weight to my complaints, and provides the necessary catalyst for the BBC to finally cancel this farce, releasing all concerned from contractual obligations that have long since burnt in a fire.
Yours with the utmost disrespect,
Ebeneezer Scrooge |
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Post by Sir David Suchet as Narrator on Apr 9, 2024 11:49:36 GMT 10
Annexure A
I, Sir David Courtney Suchet (/ˈsuːʃeɪ/ SOO-shay) the narrator (also known as Vanessa the Wise Man)(also known as Sir Limpy the Flaccid) hereby provide this sworn statement on request of my fellow player Chris as Ebenezer Scrooge in support of his various complaints against the ORG production known as the 'The Goes Wrong ORG', the so called 'Head Righter' and the assortment of miscreants that form the 'crew' of such production together with the executives of the BBC.
Never in my long and girthy career have I experienced the level of ineptitude that I have been forced to tolerate over these last six weeks. Firstly, I am certain my contract only required at most a 4 week commitment to this production, and while the Head Righter has lived up to the other covenants of our agreement, this oversight shows the greatest disrespect to the most valuable currency in this business, my time. Now I must note that the Head Righter did show me an appropriate level of respect in allowing me to by-pass the nonsense of the thistle round, noting that it wasn't even a round in any real sense, and of course provided me with a series of young attractive men and women with whom I could practice my 'craft'.
But still, us actors must stick together and for many of the fellow cast, there have been a number of unfortunate outcomes, many of which were not deserved to be suffered.
First, losing my darling love Skye on a counting challenge is just absurd. Actor's cannot be expected to count their money? If they did then what role at all would their managers and agents have? And further, I am surprised that the production here would want to have the actors even consider what they were being paid (not myself of course, who was handsomely compensated), at risk of some form of unionisation.
Second, losing the most beloved monarch Queen Isobel due to the whims of a crass little piece of china who felt he was of note enough to think that he could publicly tell a man of my stature to perform felatio on his saponaceous porcelain penis, is the most absurd and one of the most disappointing moments of this entire farce.
Thirdly, losing more royalty in Richard by forcing Chris to fight himself (who was both his replica and lover) to the death in a prison yard using a spoon resembling a mislabelled form of the children's game rock-scissor-paper, was an outrage.
We signed up for a game of 'survivor'. And this ORG ended up being the furthest thing from it, which as frustrating as that was, we had become willing to accept. Until, of course, you Head Righter in your infinite wisdom though it best to adopt, for the last round, one of the most despised lingering Survivor format changes; final 4 fire-making. But for that nonsense, I could be here at the end with my good friend Chris, who I have made no secret of my love and respect.
Frankly, Head Righter, I have a lot of influence at the BBC and generally in the UK entertainment industry. I highly recommend you do whatever you need to appease the concerns of my good friend as outlined in his letter to which this statement is annexed.
Signed and sealed on this, the 9th day of April in the year of our lord, 2024.
Sir David Coutney Suchet.
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Post by Robert as Irrelevant Trumpeter on Apr 9, 2024 11:55:40 GMT 10
Dear Head Righter,
It has come to my attention that this entire ORG has been a farce for what is known in layman's terms as "A Pyramid Scheme". This is to do with you tactics of pushing the scheming and subplots down onto us and then forcing us to scheme and subplot for each other. And then get people to do that for us such as these ridiculous "temp actors".
Regardless, these are not my complaints. My complaints reside in the fact that these "challenges" of which we were given, were, from the start, completely wrong. The first challenge was a joke. The second challenge was more of a joke. Even the one challenge that could eliminate you was a luck based challenge (if also reasonable skill based). But I digress.
The one challenge I have most issue with is this "design challenge" where you didn't even both making a challenge. And the person who won, just reposted your exact challenge. Which, (while brilliant), doesn't change the fact that your poor production team has done absolutely nothing in that area and I want a refund of the thousands you have tricked me into spending while playing this "game" in an attempt to succeed in your pyramid schemes.
Please fix these issues immediately.
Sincerely,
Robert Groves (The Relevant Trumpeter)
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Post by Aunt Diana Rigg as Narrator on Apr 10, 2024 17:32:42 GMT 10
As Dame Diana Rigg, playing the part of Aunt Diana as Narrator in The Goes Wrong ORG a JustJaking affiliated production in conjunction with, and based on The Goes Wrong Show, entered the finale Critic's thread of one Chris Bean as Ebenzer Scrooge, who is the actual Head Writer of the BBC edition of The Goes Wrong Show. She had seen that Mr. Bean had filed a formal complaint through legal means to the BBC in order to halt productions, reruns and any residual forms of the Plays of the Week he himself had directed, and contracted with the BBC either by permission or force most times. Add to that, these horrible productions were performed primarily by he himself, Mr. Bean (Not THAT Mr. Bean, a BBC sweetheart and comedic genius) we're talking about the arrogant, narcissistic self-serving, Director, Producer and de facto leader of the highly untalented and grossly miscast of troupe of "actors" from the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society.
After being ousted from his own "baby", which in reality could be called a problem child rather than a sweet baby. Chris Bean had decided if he couldn't run, star in, and again, grossly miscast with subpar actors and actress. And let's not forget the rather horrific and shoddy production quality. As his Stage Manager Trevor is literally his mortal enemy, and not even one of his Plays of the Week is done well. They are always horrible, the set design is disgustingly stupid, sometimes too small, most times falling apart and there is one fool who can never get through a door to save their life, and please let's not even touch on the fool who can't read nor remember his lines, yet is given starring role after role. And after all of this, he has the nerve to call to arms a cancellation of his shitty plays of the week just because it did the world a favor and took him out of command.
After seeing this disturbing letter by Mr. Bean, written with jealous, malice and spite. Dame Diana Rigg who did her niece a solid quite several times and narrator this sorry excuse for entertainment, had decided instead of writing a letter to the BBC as others had to support Mr. Bean's case, she'd instead decided to connect to a FaceTime call with the current Director-General of the BBC, Incumbent Tim Davie to have a word or several about this cease and desist letter from Mr. Bean and his cohorts in this venue.
*FaceTime call to Tim Davie connecting....*
Good evening, Mr. Davie. I'm sure I need no introduction, but if it is necessary, 'tis I, Dame Diana Rigg. Legendary actress of televisions The Avengers, films James Bond, one of the original bond girls, the only one who he called his wife. And of course most notably in recent years one of the stars of the HBO hit serirs written by that idiot who didn't finish the books and gave us the shittiest finale to a beloved show that ever was, as Lady Olenna Tyrell; The Queen of Thrones on Game of Thrones.
With that being said, I hereby ask you to disregard these letters from the disgruntled Director and performers. And consider any lawsuits to be null and void. If I've to fund this myself and buy the copyright, I'll do it. But I DEMAND you keep The Play of the Week and the goes Wrong ORG ongoing hence forth, but instead of the Head Righter at the helm and his horrible crew. I shall take over, I've got enough experience under my belt to begin directing and producing and in this case hosting. This is not done because I enjoyed this shit show of an ORG or the shitty Plays of the Week it's been based on, but this is pure spite! It's bad enough Chris Bean's arrogance and inability to at the very least find actors with talent to do his shows, or comply with BBC regulations and have hired better staff, and paid them more than 25 pounds, which by the way is why they are so shite. You get what you pay for, Mr. Davie. I'm sure you know this, dear.
So with that, I'd like to take over all productions and if the name is copyrighted, we'll just make a new one with better actors, quality sets, and a decent program and/or ORG that is family friendly, formats that are actually SURVIVOR and with a cast that does not include MaisonfuckingIkkou ever again.
I expect to cut a deal with you to accept my proposal, and if that doesn't work out. Maybe I can just get my own talk show? Or something to keep me occupied these days, since after this end what the fuck am I gonna do with my free time? Oh yes, probably sleep. But I've learned in this production that sleep is a thing of the past most times, but I suppose we'll work out the details later.
With that, Chris as Ebenezer Scrooge I hereby relenquish you from this production, and your ousting was completely warranted. Now in the words of one Dennis Deer Head... GET OUT!!!! |
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Post by Chris as Ebenezer Scrooge on Apr 10, 2024 17:56:43 GMT 10
If you want me, I'll be in my quarters penning more letters of complaint.
Thank you all for your time. you've made this decision extremely difficult.
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Post by Chris as Ebenezer Scrooge on Apr 10, 2024 18:22:54 GMT 10
Stepping out of my complaining for just one moment, because my FTC question was completely in character and a schtick I've maintained only for my confessionals. But I wanted to thank you all for the joyous experiences you brought me throughout the last 8 months we've been playing this. You, and the rest of the cast, and yes Righter and his abominable crew, have made me grateful I take time out of my busy life to do stupid bullshit like this.
I wrote you all a funsy question, because I didn't think I'd learn anything new here after being so close with you all, and I didn't think my decision would be impacted at all by this FTC, but hand on my heart, I wish I could vote for all of you. Sadly I can only vote for two. You'd all be fantastic winners and I consider you all terrific friends. Thanks again for the ride.
And yes, Righter, I simply asked for an extesion to say something that was completely fucking obvious, but that's what this game is all about. Good luck to one and all, and thank you Suchet for not fucking up the format of my question. *hand scrawls on the other two appendices and staples it all together for the BBC*
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